Sampei Bila Mek Rah Sitok

It's been 19 years, since it began. Today, everything will about to come to its end...

...

It's quite sad, to finish what I've started all these 19 years of works. Everyone has their own stories, including me. Yeah, I still remember the days when I was five, playing hopscotch with my sisters, galah panjang with my mengaji friends at my kampong's surau and to lose my songkok in the evening when my sister and I walked to home from the surau. It happened when I was eleven. The memories live beneath this heart; none are buried, but always be cherished, forever.

Kindergarten, year 1993. Tabika Kampung Pangkalan Kuap, my first school. I had my record in this kindergarten. Always being late to school, improper dress; I hate to wear school uniform. Being a kindergarten pupil, a pair of school shoes was not a necessary. Everyone wore slippers. Late as usual, I put my slippers outside the classroom. They were L.O.S.T.! (T_T)

When I was in Primary 5, my school; Sekolah Kebangsaan Jalan Muara Tuang, accepted a new headmaster. He happened to be my mum's cousin. One day, he walked into my classroom during English lesson, taught by Puan Zuraini, a Selangorean teacher. He said something to Puan Zuraini.

"May I know who Zizi is?" He asked to everyone.

I raised up my hand.

"Ouh. You. Puan Zuriani, this is my nephew. Never seen him in years! Please take care of him and Zizi, tell your mum, I'll come over to your house. Perhaps, next weekend."

Naturally, the whole school knew the story. So, everyone in the school knew me and my sister. She was seven. What a coincident, since no teacher dared to rotan me! Ha-ha. Well, I was a favourite student to receive denda from the teachers especially when I was in Primary 1 until 5. No denda no me. Say, I was among on the top of the ranking to receive denda from the teachers. Ketuk ketampi for not having a drawing paper, standing outside the classroom as a denda for forgetting my books, cleaning the school ground from rubbish; I hate Music lessons and the laziness to bring my recorder and standing at the school field when I made noise in the class. Ha-ha.

Before that, when I was in Primary 4, I got a denda, standing in front of the blackboard since I failed to memorize Sifir 7! Yeehaw... It was my primary school days.

2000 minus 1987 equals to 13. Yeay, I'm thirteen years old now! Introducing, my new school: Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Sungai Tapang!

I still remember when I get caught in the rain while waiting for bus after school. Wet! Luckily, it was Friday, the last day of school, before two weeks of Chinese New Year school holidays. Wow, I hardly believed it was eleven years ago. Ha-ha. I'm a big boy now :P.

When I was a student in this school, there were numbers of things that I missed a lot; my friends, teachers and the environment. Memories refresh inside my head as I come back to this 1981's school and yeah, I still can't believed that I'm 24! Ha-ha... It's just like yesterday when I turned 13.

When I was in form 3, unexpectedly, I won the 3rd prize in Bahasa Malaysia's poem writings. For God sake I was a suck that I forgot to tie up my shoelace when I came up to the stage to receive the prize from our Penolong Kanan Ikthisas. Weee...

Then, in form 5, everyone wish me a happy birthday. Being an anonymous and not popular student, since I'm not an athlete, a smart student nor a hot guy, I didn't know how people knew the date, including the juniors. What can I say; I love my school's friends!

The next destination of my academia institution was Labuan Matriculation College. Ha-ha. Being a 'Labuanite' student who lives away from family, I learned how to iron my formal shirts and pants. I really didn't have the idea how to iron all my formals since my sisters helped me to do them. One day, on Friday morning, the last day of the first semester examination week, I blew up myself an iron on my bare hand. Urgh... The whole hostel block went blackout. Err... Hey fellas, sorry... hehe. Luckily, I didn't hurt my hand.

KML has taught me a real life as a student. A year as a matriculation-born student, I lived myself better, away from my families, which really gave a clueless me of an idea on an independent teen life.

'To be or not to be'; Hamlet by Shakespeare. Well, it's Universiti Teknologi Malaysia, 2011. It's this year that's going to be. It feels like yesterday I registered myself as a college student. Not much memory created, but they all filled up my life here. I lived my life as a student, just like my friends, we went to kedai mamak at 1 a.m for roti canai and teh tarik, went for some movies at the Giant MBO's cinemas, mountains climbing in Kelantan, Johore and Negri Sembilan, listened to our lecturers' explanations in the class, the lab works and bla bla bla...

Well, I admit that I'm crazy and lazy. But it's so amazing that I went to the Perpustakaan Sultanah Zanariah by walking every day, from 8 a.m until 10 p.m, doing my works and studied. Maybe, some mambangs has exorcised me! So please, beware...

Together my friends and I laughed, we cried, sharing problems, good Lord, they're my best pals forever!

...

And now, I'm waiting for the boarding call, my last and final flight. Argh... I wish I can tell the world how I'm going to miss this place, my life and my friends. It's a great honour to be a guest and I'm proud to be a part of this land. Anyway, thanks...everyone :) See you again, soon!

Meninggalkanmu... Kepulangku (Akhir)

Angin semakin merendah ke muka bumi. Satu tanda bahawa hujan akan turun sebentar lagi di daerah yang masih lagi asing bagiku ini. Keadaan yang agak biasa bagi petang di sini membuatkan suasana dingin. Petang yang selalu ditemani dengan air teh ‘O’ panas, minuman yang pernah menjadi santapan kegemaran bangsawan penjajah suatu ketika dahulu, menghangatkan petang yang semakin dimakan kelam di sini.

“It’s just perfect!”

“What?” Aku berasa sedikit aneh dengan gelagatnya petang itu.

“You know, I love the sunset. I wish, I can be here, sitting on this bench every evening till the day I die.”

“Ouh. Why?” Aku bertanya kembali.

Dia hanya tersenyum. Pandangannya dialihkan ke arah matahari jatuh di hadapannya. Aku berdiri, menunggu jawapan kepada soalanku. Akhir sekali, aku duduk, lenguh berdiri melihat keadaan petang di hadapan rumah batuku itu.

“It’s like every day is a day in the summer. I wish… it happens in my hometown.”

“You can hardly see the sunset in the winter. It’s too mysterious, too much of secret to be kept. In the spring, sunsets are calm, sometimes, flowers just fall from the skies, giving you the chance to live again. And in the autumn, it’s like the saddest sunset. Pale, misery, like all the happiness have gone from this world.” Tambahnya lagi.

“Then, I think it’s better sunset in the spring.” Aku mengumpan pendapatku, ingin tahu apa sebenar yang difikirkan di dalam hatinya.

“Summer…” Ayatnya tergantung di situ.

Sebenarnya, aku menemaninya di situ setiap petang. Lebih kurang sebulan lebih. Dan aku tak tahu apa yang terlalu disukainya tentang pemandangan matahari yang jatuh di barat bumi itu. Mungkin, keterbiasaan membuatkan aku seolah-olah terlepas daripada semua yang sedang berlaku di sekelilingku.

Petang yang agak lembab. Hujan turun selama sejam dari jam dua hingga tiga petang tadi membuatkan keadaan lewat senja agak dingin, dengan bangku panjang yang ada di hadapan rumahku sedikit basah, sesekali berbunyi, reput digenangi air hujan yang meresap masuk ke dalamnya. Petang yang bernyamuk. Seekor dua mati di tanganku, gemuk dengan darah yang dihisap dari lenganku yang kurus. Hairan juga aku, dia tak sedikit pun hiraukan tentang nyamuk yang semakin banyak di waktu hampir maghrib itu, walaupun menggunakan T- shirt dan bermuda.

“It’s like the day never ends. You can repeat all over again. Like the tears is not a word ever exist. Like God has given all the day for you to appreciate each moment you had, with your family, friends, and everything. All bugs and birds sing. What you can hear is the laugh. Like no one ever come across the sadness. No one’s crying.” Dia tersenyum padaku.

“Dulu, ada sepohon pokok hutan tumbang di tengah jalan menuju ke rumahku. Bungkas umbi, tunduk memeluk bumi yang memegang akarnya sejak dilahirkan ke dunia. Waktu hampir senja.” Aku katakan padanya. Dia masih lagi tersenyum.

“It’s sad isn’t it?” Sekali lagi aku menguji pemikirannya yang kukira sedang mencari jawapan kepada soalanku yang ada maksud tersendiri itu.

“Well, it’s sad. But, you have to think forward. Every day, when the sun dies, the night is born. Look, something new happens when something ends. Trees die, new seed is planted. New life.”

Kadang-kadang, aku kagum juga dengannya. Setiap soalan pasti ada jawapannya yang tersendiri. Jawapan yang berisi.

“Don’t you miss this, when you get back to your home?”

“Yes. I’ll be missing this moment. I wish, I could stay longer, to live and spend my lifetime here. Like all days in Newcastle are the days in the summer.”

Air hujan yang masih berbaki di hujung daun menitis ke bumi. Menyirami sebahagian muka bumi yang mulai kering. Mungkin akan kekal seketika sebelum diserap ke dalam bumi. Satu hukum alam. Pasti akan kembali ke bumi.

Tahun ini, aku bakal berusia 24 tahun. Dalam tak sedar, sudah tujuh tahu meninggalkan alam persekolahan. Dan tahun ini, bakal menjadi tahun terakhir aku bergelar seorang pelajar, setelah 19 tahun aku memegang gelaran itu. Selama usia ini aku belajar untuk mendewasakan diri sendiri, memegang kepercayaan pada kemampuan diri, bermimpi untuk mencapai impian-impian yang telah aku tanam sejak dari dahulu.

Tiba-tiba, aku mulai sedar, aku menghilangkan sesuatu yang amat berharga dalam hidupku, walaupun sentiasa ada bersamaku. Aku diam sebentar memandang matahari yang semakin surut cahayanya.

“You look so calm.” Aku berkata padanya, setelah agak lama kami mendiamkan diri.

“I want to live in Malaysia, can I?”

“Why not? You are always welcomed here.”

“Are you thinking of something? Share with me.” Tanyanya sambil melihatku.

“I'm just thinking. I've been losing that always there for me. I'm sorry...”

“Of?” Kali ini dia pula yang hairan denganku

“I’m sorry, if I’ve changed all these years. I hope everyone accept the new me.”

Terasa juga kekosongan di dalam hatiku, walaupun setiap siang dan malamku ada teman-teman yang sentiasa menggembirakanku. Tapi, aku ada kekurangan sesuatu.

“Yes... you are changing, much. Each day, you are getting quite.”

Dah lama aku tak tengok ayam kampung. Dulu, masa aku kecil-kecil, abah ada memelihara beberapa ekor ayam di belakang rumah. Untuk dimakan. Pernah juga aku melihat abah dan abangku menyembelih ayam. Dan petang ini, seekor ayam lalu tidak jauh dari kami. Mungkin kepunyaan jiran-jiran kampung yang lain. Mencari makan di petang-petang hari. Datang seorang budak, berlari-lari ke arah ayam itu, membuatkan ayam itu terbang ke arah pokok-pokok hutan yang semakin tinggi.

“Kalaulah aku boleh kembali ke masa lalu, aku pasti akan kembali. Mengulangi semua agar aku dapat kembalikan kepercayaan dan semangat pada hatiku ini. Apa pun, selalunya, aku akan membiarkan hatiku berasa tawar. Hendak kutambah gula, pasti akan hancur dihurung semut. Diletak garam, pasti akan pedih, dan kalau diletak cuka, pasti hatiku akan masam, kecut dan hatiku akan kecil. Akhir sekali, aku meletakkan hatiku dengan rasa tawar.”

“I don't really understand what you were saying just now. I know a little bit Malay. But...”

“I always hope you can understand my native language." Kataku tanpa menjawab soalannya,

“What time is it in Newcastle?”

“Well, England is eight hours late than Malaysia. Plus minus, the daylight saving one hour, it's 10 something. Hey, good morning homeland!” Pekiknya, membuatkan kanak-kanak tadi memandang kami.

“Sushhh. It's dusk already.”

“Why?”

“Malay custom believes, we should be in the house by this time, waiting for Maghreb. Take a bath, ablutions and then pray. Some old folks believe, ghosts like to roam on the ground.”

“Really? My mum never told me.”

“Because you live in Newcastle...ha-ha... maybe she forgets.” Aku senyum sedikit.

“I'll be flying back this Saturday...” Katanya tiba-tiba. Mungkin aku menyentuh tentang tempat kelahirannya di benua Eropah sana.

“I know... have fun... and I hope you'll learn something while you are here.”

“Me too. I’ll back.”

“’Ll back? This is your home right?”

“Yes. But I’ll be back again… soon. I’m just waiting for that moment.”

Aku akan kembali lagi ke sini. Habis kepulangku ini. Tanah tumpah darahku. Tanah airku. Tanah aku berpijak selama aku membesar, doaku untuk Tuhan.

Siapa aku di hadapan Tuhanku?

Tiada siapa yang akan mampu menjawab soalan ini. Hanya DIA yang tahu. Di akhir senja ini aku berfikir mengenai-NYA. Sedangkan siang akan berakhir, inikan pula hidup seorang manusia. Aku? Entah.

Hujan yang diturunkan oleh Mikail berhenti sebentar tadi. Hujan yang memberikan harapan kepada tumbuhan yang baru bertunas. Namun, ada di antaranya yang tenggelam kerana tumbuh di dalam lopak-lopak air yang menakungi air hujan. Seperti aku, yang baru ingin melebarkan hidup sebagai seorang manusia di alam yang bakal mencabar hati dan perasaanku. Kalah aku, kalahlah jiwaku. Hanya pada-NYA aku berserah.

Titisan air hujan masih melekat di tingkap kaca bilik. Menjadi satu medium yang membiaskan cahaya pelangi mini di ruang penglihatanku. Jari jariku mengelap lembut cermin mata yang telah aku gunakan sejak dua tahun lalu. Tiba-tiba gerak itu mati sahaja di situ. Dalam diam, aku tidak sedar, DIA menarik sedikit demi sedikit nikmat penglihatanku. Tujuh tahun lamanya aku menggunakan cermin mata, baru sekarang aku tahu. Ujian yang diturunkan untuk setiap hamba yang penuh dengan maksud yang kadang-kadang tidak akan pernah difahami oleh manusia.

Apa yang aku ada, pasti semua akan hilang. Segala-galanya tidak akan kekal.

Ya ALLAH, panjangkanlah umurku, biar pun untuk sehari lagi…

Aku

ingin ENGKAU ada disini

menemaniku saat sepi

menemaniku saat gundah

Berat hidup ini tanpa diri-MU

ku hanya mencintai KAMU

ku hanya memiliki KAMU

aku rindu setengah mati kepada-MU

sungguh ku ingin KAU tahu

aku rindu setengah mati

meski,

telah lama kita tak bertemu

ku slalu memimpikan KAMU

ku tak bisa hidup tanpa-MU

aku rindu setengah mati kepada-MU

sungguh ku ingin KAU tahu

ku tak bisa hidup tanpa-MU

aku rindu…

Dan dengan ini, aku mengakhiri Meninggalkanmu...